Call it "Jel-a-peeno"!

A conversation among a bunch of gals from my college over dinner brought this issue out. Why the hell do they have a "j" there when you are supposed to NOT pronounce it? If you want it to be called ha-le-peeno, please spell it Halapeno and not Jalapeno! We ended this piece of conversation with the common nod on how much we hate "suckers" who check you on pronunciations. Boys, do not speak French, when you can do with English. By the way, Hindi is the best in that respect. Of course, you know better than checking some gal on her pronunciations.

But seriously, lets take it from the top, languages were made to ease communications between human beings. Scripts were developed to make that communication portable and preservable. Why have we ended up with languages which make life more difficult then? I know we follow some rules for every language, but surely we could have done without the silent 'P's in psychology, pseudo and pneumonia! What purpose do they solve? In a corporate transformation exercise, we usually eliminate non-value adding elements which consume time, money or energy. Then why do we deal with them here day in and day out? Kill the 'P', people. It's time we change a language that doesn't go down well with our language-sensory-neurons and still has to be used since it is part of our everyday existence. It's not as if we can't change. The Americans call "she-dyool", (schedule) "ske-dyool"...and much more! They don't much care about the acceptance of that by the rest of the world, I guess. Good attitude. Helps them get there.

And, French! Oh my goodness, my friend was getting all red in the face with fury talking about how difficult that stuff is. Purpose? I am not very well read in this regard, but my friend seemed to think they really don't need to make everything sound like it can't be written down. Also, everything written down, will definitely have something more to be read out than just what is written! Somebody has definitely goofed up somewhere (:P, I'm surely getting hate mails from all French afficionados now). Either you write what you pronounce, or you pronounce what you write. You can't have it complicated both ways, sire!

I was asked a tricky question by a classmate when we were trying hard to interpret a declamation speech, sitting in the last row of the school auditorium back in grade 8. I still make people solve the silly thing just to make a point. She wrote down "ghoti" on a piece of paper and asked me what can be a totally unlikely yet possible pronunciation for that word. I never waste brain power on futile questions. Presuming this was one, I quickly blurted "gho-tee". The conversation- I remember only very little of it - would have gone on these lines:

Her: "What if I say, it can be called 'fish'?"

I: "Whoa, but how?"
Her: "GHOTI: F for gh as in enouGH, I for o as in wOmen, SH for ti as in demoliTIon"
I: "hmm...shhh! The prefect is watching us."
I: (being the sucker I am for such things) "Arre, that thing was enough, women, demolition. Naa?"

Her: "yeah, that's why they say English is an impure language."
I: *Didn't register at all what she said later*

I must have thought who cares 'who' exactly says English is an impure language so long as I remember the answer to that puzzle, which is enough-women-demolition! I am such a nerd. (Can I tell myself, pun intended?). So, men and all others out there, remember enough-women-demolition AND stop it now! (Yippee...gotcha there!). All I mean is, change the way we speak/write and lets concoct some real Indian English now. See, with every 6th person on earth being an Indian, we're sure to get full support on this. If nothing works, we can put in a plan to organise a SMS voting global contest for the "Indian English usage" popularity and forward the money generated for Senator Clinton's presidential campaign....They'll agree for the money and we're sure to win all the votes in favour of the Indian English. How...? Look, if we can vote 'Taj Mahal' the first (in popularity) of the new wonders in the world, then we Indians sure have learnt the art of flooding the telecom networks if it comes to saving the pride of our nation!

Just What I Said

At the outset, let me make public, a fact which you'd know one day anyway. The title is not an original, like most bits of my humor, the title of this post - being absolutely humorless - is also borrowed. And, that doesn't imply I will return it. There are some things I can borrow without asking and keep them with me for good. Like the stapler pins from the client's work-place. And, like affection.

Why are you reading this? There is not going to be an ounce of value-add to you after you've finished reading this. That's not really a warning. As a friend, I like to be transparent about likely outcomes of deeds I do. Go on, anyway. With a little help from you, I will make sure we enjoy this entry. It's funny; they call it "posting new entries on your blog". Who's entering anywhere in this whole blogging business? But then I don't have a better word. On second thoughts, how about "posting a new note on your blog"? Naah...? They sure have done their research before naming stuff on the internet, huh?

See, I digress. Although I'm wondering if I really did - digress, that is - even when I weren't really making a point at all! Reminds me of a conversation I read shortly before it touched zero in Delhi, or before they claimed it did. The conversation goes like this:

"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
"I don't much care where-" said Alice.
"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat.
"-so long as I get SOMEWHERE," Alice added as an explanation.
"Oh, you're sure to do that," said the Cat, "if you only walk long enough."

So I think the point is taken, you'll get somewhere one day eventually. Even when you aren't really making an effort to get there like Rakhi Sawant does. (I respect her for her ability to carry-off all that she's been carrying off since long). I wonder if I need to work hard towards getting where I want to. Alright, I want to change that sentence. Retrying....I wonder if I need to think hard to getting where I want to. Oh yeah! unlike you, I know where is it I'm going to end-up. Doesn't make me a bit more wiser than you, does it? 'Coz, if you don't know where you want to end-up, you probably are at that place. Holy shit! and now you have a lifetime to get elsewhere. I like that!

But we're all trying very hard. We're in the rat race, right? The hilarious part is may be you'll win, may be you won't but at the end of the race you will be as much a rat. Borrowed, but twisted to fit in the context. Boy, how I play with words these days! See, I digress. So, I was saying that as a matter of fact we are all trying hard. *Idea!* I'll serve you an anecdote right in your platter now. About trying our best:

In a conversation with a colleague at work, she told me about funny times at school. Here's one. She was writing an english test. The question was to "read the following paragraph and give the best possible title you can". The paragraph was about an old farmer making a living by tilling barren land and going far off to the city to sell it all only to earn a few pennies. She said, she zeroed in on a title after thinking hard. "Ashoka The Great" - was her choice. She did the best she could to give the best title in the whole world, irrespective of what that paragraph had to say about the old farmer! Like this, we all make our lives funny at one point or the other.

I had a Chemistry teacher, who would ask a question to the class and spank that one person who answered too early. "Tum overtry karte ho...sun liya karo; Do not overtry." Frankly, I liked the word overtry. It says a lot about the existence of the limits of trying. Why is there a line at all...I think we can keep going on and on. Trying hard and harder. Like SRK does. That way, we will all end up with a six-pack and a self-proclaimed-superhit-blockbuster at our hands. Not bad, huh?

See, I digress. My Chemistry teacher is no more. I am sad that he died, reasonably young. I wanted to gift him a car. As a matter of fact, I wanted to gift all my teachers a car each. Unfortunately, I studied at different places and until I completed my masters; They are too many to count now. Besides, I don't make enough right now. I still wish I could. May be in future some time. Fortunately, there is Tata Nano now. But my Chemistry teacher wouldn't get one ever. And, we all keep trying so hard all our lives. Take a moment off and send a li'l gift to whoever you'd thought you wanted to give one to.

I know, you get these free advices all the time and way too much these days. So much so, that we call it spam, now (among other things that are certainly spam). But then I'm an Indian. If I know something wise, I will share it in form of good advice. And, if you are a true Indian, you will always appreciate that; its utility or significance notwithstanding.

Wait a minute, before I finish...I just noticed the big 'C' in my "Chemistry" s above. These things have a friggin' psycho interpretation, I tell you. May be I liked Chemistry. To be honest, I was good at it. May be, I could have been the Richard Feynman of Chemistry one day. I have the sense of humor, at least. In regards to Chemistry, may be I just didn't give it my best!

Don't be mad at me. If you are, just leave a comment. I always publish them all. I try my best to.

THE HEADLINES ON ORKUT

Without much ado, let me take you through some of the Orkut headlines people have. //My comments are in blue between forward-slashes.//

headline:changes every day..............headlines //Agreed dude that it changes everyday (unless of course it's about the ash-abhi wedding which DOESN'T change for seven days in a row!) but what does the series of dots followed by another mention of the word headlines mean?//

headline: They asked me for "headline".I told 'em "receding" //You think this is witty, huh? Go jump out the first floor window, you mean poor-joke-crackist-monster!//

headline: Headline??....what headline!?? //Yeah, I mean I won't blame this Orkuteer actually. What is the whole deal about having a headline in your profile anyway? Like what's the big news in your life today or something? How about "I've lost an expensive mobile, suffering from the hideous aftermaths of measles and my health insurance expired a day after I broke up with that rich brat!" What can be so extraordinary in one's life that one makes it a headline on a page that has almost negligible readership?//

headline: HEADLINE- no headline,but Stitches hain head pe ! //Kill-bill, u're soooo innocent. Do you know that this line doesn't make you one bit more desirable?//

headline: This is supposed to be a HEADLINE //Hey, in recognition of your exemplary work in making brainless-Indian-orkuteers understand what a headline looks like the National Council of Vella-gurus Management, India awards you with a free holiday package for this summer! It's two days three nights for 2 adults with 2 children to the city of sand-dunes, Jaiselmer! Have a sunny holiday, uncle.//

headline: tHE HeaDLinE Is dAt tHere iS nO hEaDliNe //C'mon man, This is not a red-star (read mandatory) field. If there is NO headline then do not add one unnecessarily. Free advice: please avoid populating garbage. Period. OK, I'm not that mean really. BTW, this headline comes from somebody who has a real headline (the name field) which says "I forgive but never forget"...Scary, huh? THE BAD GUY WILL GET KILLED EVENTUALLY! Ha ha//

headline: No Headline is the best headline... //Dude, nobody's asking you for the best headline. Man, you are a real perfectionist, haina? If there's a headline you may write on orkut it has to be the best or else - you naughty-naughty amir-khan-replica (For the uninitiated - Amir Khan is supposed to be a wannabe perfectionist!) - you would write something else instead of the headline there. Isn't it? I would really like to hear this guy out on his opinion on "no headline" and it's interpretation. If no headline is best, why is there a headline in your profile at all, samurai?//

U NEED A HEADLINE HUH ILL GIVE U A HEADLINE ...//Maaro, Maaro!//

headline: Wht's a headline? Heard abt bottomlines. // Oh, so this noble soul is one of those over-educated, jargon-sucking-dumb-asses! S/he (It was a he, if I remember correctly) understands "bottom lines" right but not "headlines". Alright, care to explain whose "bottom line" is affected really with Bernanke's 75-basis-point cut on the Fed rate, Mr. Management Guru?//

headline: NO headlines Plz...as my whole life is a headline //Dudette, there's something called reality check in this world...Care for one? I have nothing against you personally but your headline reads like you think you're Princess Diana or something - "my whole life is a headline". Sweetie, you sound like you are really open-minded; so much so that your brains have fallen out long before you started making headlines.//

AND PEOPLE, HERE'S THE BEST ONE:

The headline is:

"My husband is a moratu paiyan beware before readin." //WHAT THE HELL DOES MORATU PAIYAN MEAN? I'm damned curious, and it's killing me! I even googled it. Didn't quite help, as you'd know if you try it hands-on yourself. My guess is the "Moratu Paiyan" people resemble software viruses which have the capability to harm you virtually if you read their spouse's profile..err..no? And also, I don't mean to be disrespectful but who the fuck hangs a "beware" warning about one's spouse...I mean, it's done for dogs I know for sure but lady, that's your husband and HE'S A HUMAN BEING for God's sake! :P//

AND, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE FUN DOESN'T END HERE. HERE IS WHAT MORATU PAIYAN MAN'S LADY-LOVE HAS ADDED IN OTHER ORKUT FIELDS:

in my bedroom you will find: Read the headline again //Read: Beware of the Dog. YES, it really reads like that!//

my idea of a perfect first date: Read the headline properly....//Read: Haven't you read the warning properly, you useless-wanderer-of-useless-SNSs! There's a dog on watch here!//

DISCLAIMER: The other day I read a mean post on a mean blog by a gal who sounded like a mean one herself. Admittedly, I was a bit disgusted. So, here's a bit of a clarification: Those comments on the sidelines were purely to push up the funny quotient. The reader may bear in his/her mind the fact that I'm not making fun of other homo-sapiens here. I think it is perfect to be nice to people, (that way you never have any fun in life :P) that way all troubles are at bay 24X7. Before you sue me for posting your headlines here, let me educate you on intellectual patenting norms and regulations for which you may have to leave you email address and e-learning charges of $2500 (Yes, you are right that's how much a Tata Nano will cost on-road, although there is no apparent connection between this fact and the context here except this that Tata Nano has something to do with my headline on Orkut!)

Have a great weekend, folks! Watch this blog for next on the Orkut series.

Davidspeak

Let me begin with introducing David to you. Simply put, he's a middle-aged, grey-bearded executive who has a knack of putting things forward in a hilarious manner. He has several things to say during a discussion half of which are anecdotes from his last trips to obscure places around the world. They aren't really complete stories in their own right but whatever li'l they are he sure makes 'em sound funny!

One such incident he related recently in a conference goes like this. David asks the rest of us how can we hit the ball in a game of golf at 10 am and make sure it lands on the ground at 11 am? The rest-of-us just stare at him half smiling already. Of course, when David asks these question he's not looking for answers. For a change, not one from a consultant too ;).

As if he's taking those half-smiles on all our faces to another level, he raises his eyebrows and completes the story...They do that all the time on that golf course which is on the Swedish-Finnish border! Apparently, the swedish time is one hour behind the Finnish time. So when you are in the Swedish part of the golf course and hit towards the Finnish part, you may hit at 10 am and still the ball may land at 11 am according to Finnish time!

Get the funny part? No..Live with the trivia then!

Names people call...

There must be some interesting history behind the whole nicknaming phenomenon. Sure, it is a phenomenon what with every third Indian being called either 'Chhotu' or 'Pappu'!. The name 'pappu' is so much a household name that a very popular advert used it for naming the protagonist and also, the big-effect-adline was "Pappu paas ho gaya".....What's exactly the point they are trying to make here? Is pappu a name, which implies -by the sound of it -a dud at school spending year after years in grade 6, in the social psyche of India? And then some great man has said, what's in a name...? So much for poor pappu.

On the other hand it's not an India thing, this strange short naming business. People call William -Bill typically or sometimes Will, Elizabeth -Liz, Thomas - Tom etc....This is routine though. What's more interesting is what people in love call each other. There is a very close friend of mine who likes to call her beau 'Zzzz'....I mean really, 'Zzzz'...??? Sweet, isn't it? Yes, until there are people like me around you who 'misinterpret' it as some boring creepy stalker who sends you a million SMSs everyday! I am a bit low on imagination when it comes to guessing what you'd call your boyfriend, you see.

Talking about people in love. My mama (hindi for maternal uncle) chooses to call my mami (his wife) 'Joe'. No, that's not short for 'Jairam' and she has not got any such weird name. Her name is a plain simple 'Jyoti'. And YES YES YES, I tried to tell my mama that Joe sounds so much like a guy's name! But then you know what makes it worse; it is used everywhere to make a reference to the all n sundry. For instance, my IBM machine prompts me like this - "Enter your email address e.g. joe@us.ibm.com." Hello JOE, what a coincidence that's what my mama calls my mami!

Still talking about people in love. I've heard so many of the girls call their guys either "Honey", or "Love", or "Sweetheart" (this one is quite mundane though. Get original ladies!), or "Jaanu". Strangely, I haven't seen too many guys reciprocate in the same nick-namish tone ;). A li'l gal I know got badly spanked recently for bunking her classes to meet her li'l boyfriend. Funnily, I discovered that she chose to call her dude "Handsome". Yeah, I understand that all you men out there are dying to be called handsome may be...but it's like strange. For one, when the phone rings, dad gets to know it's "Handsome calling..."!!! That's not all and that's not how dad gotto know about this li'l gals li'l romance in the city park, by the way! But seriously, can you really call your boyfriend handsome even if he truly resembles Ashton Kutcher or Brad Pitt whichever you prefer best?? Imagine saying "How the hell is that toilet seat not down, Handsome?" OR "I swear, I'm beginning to hate to see your friggin' face every morn, Handsome?".....Believe me, with 'handsome' as the name for your guy, you won't last too long in the relationship.

Well, the naming fever has got on my nerves now. My colleagues in office have devised short names for many around. Let me share some. A guy you'd say qualifies in the plump category is fondly called 'Chow'; Reason: Short for 'Choudhury' -his last name. Going by the same logic a certain Mr. Ranganath was called Ranga until some innovative namer started calling him RoRa; Reason: Ro is from his first name, Ra is from his second! Maddenning, huh? Not yet, read on for hitting the roof. There's a certain Kiran (boy not girl;) called Kirrru that too with a roll of the tongue 'rrrrrrr' there! As if this was not enough, some people have renamed the prior 'Sharmaji' (the Business Delivery Lead in the project) as BeeDeeEll (short for Business Delivery Lead, of course!). The one person who has played tremendously vital role in assigning these menial names to people has recently got it back too. We all have known that Mr. Ranganath alias RoRa and this Namer guy hang out together way too much. And since Mr. Ranganath's nickname was Ranga, somebody aptly named the namer 'Panga'. Now, everyone who's looking for the duo is found asking for "Ranga and Panga". ARE WE IN THE PROFESSIONAL SPACE AT ALL?

Do you also know funny names you like to call people to irritate the s*** out of them? Go on, let us all know.

Losing it...!

All what I've done in the last few days is enough for you to drag me in the royal courts and prove that I'm guilty of having killed productive man-hours in broad daylight and otherwise...killed is a softer word..murdered, slaughtered are more like it!

For example, please see the last post. It is profound. Isn't it? Yeah right! It sucks. If you watch a lot of History channel's biographies that's what will happen to you. One gets diseased in such a way, one writes small no-use sentences which don't even rhyme for people who don't even exist and with intensities that don't suit one's persona. Yeah, me thinks I'm cooler than that at least!

As another example, I also have an orkut page now! But that's another story.....

OK, gotto go...will post later about a new series of funny posts I've been contemplating for a while now. Cya

The Princess

Tall. Royal. Beautiful.
Married young. Died young.
Torn. Heart-broken. Criticized.
Loved. Cherished. Remembered.
Lived for too many people.
Wonder what did it?
Unhappiness killed her.